Feeling the life inside.

Life is a funny thing. It's funny because it is in a way simple to understand but complex to define. I've never been able to answer what life is, from a biological viewpoint, and yet we all know it when we talk about it; as if it does not need definition, as if defining it is plain unnecessary.

I sometimes dream of how my life came into being. How did it feel being my father's sperm and my mother's oocyte? Did I know it was me when that fateful fertilization event took place or did I wander in giving life to the zygote that grew in my mother's womb?

I remember random events through my childhood. I remember feeling life when I was happy, when I was loved, when I felt close to my parents, when I felt sad, and when I was in pain.
It's so ironic that looking back, it was pain that brought life closest to me. And I don't regret it, for it's beautiful in its own unique way; as if following a special code of the universe.

Around 3 years back, began what I now perceive as an ordeal for me in order to feel life. It was a period where intense emotions were swallowing me, and I almost felt as if I were in a whirlpool of thoughts and feelings. It felt hard, it felt hopeless; and I felt lifeless. I felt as if I'd lost to some super power taking over me. I perceived my heart to be shut down, but that did not make sense; for I still felt things; and these very feelings were driving me mad.

I'd feel love and anger; sadness and jealousy all at the same time. My body rattled through all these different moods, trying its best to process them one by one. And I wonder now, if these different emotions were my own creation or was it something that I was wandering into; the fateful whirlpool that was waiting; ready to swallow me?

It's hard for me now to remember how I reacted at the physiological level; for that was unfortunately what was least important to me then. I'm sure my heart fluttered multiple times, it constantly reminded me of its presence by pumping blood in a strained manner, as if it was pushing out against a strong up-current. I remember blood - the dull red flavor of which gave me unique satisfaction, but most of all I remember my breathing.

Breathing then was so hard . It was painful, obviously; and unfair that it was expected of me to breathe; when I was drowning - in the fateful whirlpool which was sucking out life-giving air, and which was filled with emotions, thoughts and nightmares. And as I tried to breathe through it all, my mind would loose itself in anger; my heart in sadness and my body would simply shun love and all things good. It turned into an obsession - a painful addiction; and at some point I just decided that all this was so beautiful that I must not start breathing. I think I was scared to loose it all - and I'm still unsure what "all" stands for -maybe the emotions? maybe the intensity? or maybe I simply decided that I wasn't living enough if this weren't part of me and part of my life.

And now when I look back; on my re-birth after this experience, I feel life. I feel life seeping into me - or maybe I'm wrong. I think what is seeping in is not life; but this new sense organ - that feels life for me. In either case, I'm unravelling my life from within. It definitely is a calm after the storm; and it feels good. But what is most satisfying and peaceful, is the life from within. I am growing closer to myself, I am able to feel myself; I am letting out my life, and I feel it more and more each day; each minute. The state of lifelessness had created such a powerful vacuum, that as the life is sucked in I am able to sense it.

Indeed, I am lucky to have gone through all the pain; just to feel my life; as it blooms and takes over me again.