"When you encounter another person, when you have dealings with anyone at all, it is as if a question is being put to you. So you must think, What is the Lord asking of me in this moment, in this situation? If you confront insult or antagonism, your first response will be to respond in kind. But if you think, as it were, This is an emissary sent from Lord, and some benefit is intended for me, first of all to demonstrate my faithfulness, the chance to show that I do in some small degree participate in the grace that saved me, you are free to act otherwise than as circumstances would seem to dictate. You are free to act by your own lights. You are freed at the same time of the impulse to hate or resent that person. He would probably laugh at the thought that the Lord sent him to you for your benefit (and his), but that is the perfection of disguise, his own ignorance of it."

"It seems almost a cruelty for one generation to beget another when parents can secure so little for their children, so little safety, even in the best circumstances. Great faith is required to give the child up, trusting God to honor the parents' love for him by assuring that there will indeed be angels in that wilderness"

Marilynne Robinson in Gilead

Feeling the life inside.

Life is a funny thing. It's funny because it is in a way simple to understand but complex to define. I've never been able to answer what life is, from a biological viewpoint, and yet we all know it when we talk about it; as if it does not need definition, as if defining it is plain unnecessary.

I sometimes dream of how my life came into being. How did it feel being my father's sperm and my mother's oocyte? Did I know it was me when that fateful fertilization event took place or did I wander in giving life to the zygote that grew in my mother's womb?

I remember random events through my childhood. I remember feeling life when I was happy, when I was loved, when I felt close to my parents, when I felt sad, and when I was in pain.
It's so ironic that looking back, it was pain that brought life closest to me. And I don't regret it, for it's beautiful in its own unique way; as if following a special code of the universe.

Around 3 years back, began what I now perceive as an ordeal for me in order to feel life. It was a period where intense emotions were swallowing me, and I almost felt as if I were in a whirlpool of thoughts and feelings. It felt hard, it felt hopeless; and I felt lifeless. I felt as if I'd lost to some super power taking over me. I perceived my heart to be shut down, but that did not make sense; for I still felt things; and these very feelings were driving me mad.

I'd feel love and anger; sadness and jealousy all at the same time. My body rattled through all these different moods, trying its best to process them one by one. And I wonder now, if these different emotions were my own creation or was it something that I was wandering into; the fateful whirlpool that was waiting; ready to swallow me?

It's hard for me now to remember how I reacted at the physiological level; for that was unfortunately what was least important to me then. I'm sure my heart fluttered multiple times, it constantly reminded me of its presence by pumping blood in a strained manner, as if it was pushing out against a strong up-current. I remember blood - the dull red flavor of which gave me unique satisfaction, but most of all I remember my breathing.

Breathing then was so hard . It was painful, obviously; and unfair that it was expected of me to breathe; when I was drowning - in the fateful whirlpool which was sucking out life-giving air, and which was filled with emotions, thoughts and nightmares. And as I tried to breathe through it all, my mind would loose itself in anger; my heart in sadness and my body would simply shun love and all things good. It turned into an obsession - a painful addiction; and at some point I just decided that all this was so beautiful that I must not start breathing. I think I was scared to loose it all - and I'm still unsure what "all" stands for -maybe the emotions? maybe the intensity? or maybe I simply decided that I wasn't living enough if this weren't part of me and part of my life.

And now when I look back; on my re-birth after this experience, I feel life. I feel life seeping into me - or maybe I'm wrong. I think what is seeping in is not life; but this new sense organ - that feels life for me. In either case, I'm unravelling my life from within. It definitely is a calm after the storm; and it feels good. But what is most satisfying and peaceful, is the life from within. I am growing closer to myself, I am able to feel myself; I am letting out my life, and I feel it more and more each day; each minute. The state of lifelessness had created such a powerful vacuum, that as the life is sucked in I am able to sense it.

Indeed, I am lucky to have gone through all the pain; just to feel my life; as it blooms and takes over me again.